I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i drank out of a bidet.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
