I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
