There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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