i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
