I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
