also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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