I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
