Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
