Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
