I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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