Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
