They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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