i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
