i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
