The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
