Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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