i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
