you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
