just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
