I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
