he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
