Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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