You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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