there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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