Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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