I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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