If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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