Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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