Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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