I will die if light touches me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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