My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
