***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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