I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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