i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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