Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
