You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
