If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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