Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
