i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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