That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
