a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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