my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
