If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
