Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
