I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
