getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
