I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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