the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
