listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
there is glitter all over my balls
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