How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
