1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
